my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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