I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
