I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
