i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
