someone owes me an orgasm
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
