I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
