i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
