So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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