my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
