I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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