I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
