Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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