What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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