The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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