Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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