I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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