I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
