im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I don't deserve a penis
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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