just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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