it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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