I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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