I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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