I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
