he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
