I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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