my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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