I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
