My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
