also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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