It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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