If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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