I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
honey bunches of taint.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
