even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
