We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
only you would photoshop your dick
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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