My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
