TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
