I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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