my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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