I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
