oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's never too late to be topless.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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