Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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