My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
