He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
