I'm lost and stupid without you.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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