at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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