You're earring is so big in my mouth
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
