My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
