It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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