I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
