i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
